Congratulations, Hunter College! See the top movies here!
Special thanks to all the HC participants during this year's Campus MovieFest event! The student, staff, and faculty judges selected their picks that were shown at a huge red carpet celebration and that earned Best Picture, Best Comedy, and Best Drama honors.
Your text votes will decide the winner of the AT&T Wild Card which, along with the other award winners, will move onto the Western Regional Grand Finale for a chance at huge prizes and exposure.
And, of course, enjoy all the amazing movies made by HC students.
I hope we last. I hope we do.
But if we don’t, this is how I want you to remember me:
I want you to remember me curled up, listening to the sound of your heartbeat and tracing maps across your skin. Remember me laughing at your jokes, even the stupid ones. Remember me in hysterics for absolutely no reason and in tears because one time you made me so sad neither of us thought I’d recover. Remember me brave, that time you held my hand and I thought I was going to die; remember me scared and gentle and delicate and breakable - only for you though, only for you.
Remember me happy, and all the ridiculous ways I tried to get your attention. Remember the way I was too stubborn to talk to you and how absolutely insane it drove the both of us. Remember all the firsts and how they were so delightful we went back for seconds and thirds and fourths. Remember the songs you couldn’t stop listening to and the childish dreams you allowed yourself about the future. If it’s any consolation I allowed myself to have them too.
If it comes to it I don’t want you to remember the ending.
Remember the beginning. Remember the first time you knew.
You left me.
No warning, no sign.
Just one question, six days and one long message to make you realize that I was never worthy of anything.
Now it hurts so bad that I can’t get up on my feet.
Looking at the same old you but your eyes will never lands on me anymore.
Same old smile but they are not mine to keep anymore.
There are times where I feel that you are still madly in love with me like you used to be.
Where I feel that if time would pause for that freaking second, you will come running back into my arms and never want to let go again.
There are times I just want this to be a dream and I would wake up to you lying next to me.
But sadly, you never once looked back and see me standing there.
You walked off to the greater future and left me behind,
You gave up on us, when we were about to make it. When things are finally starting to get better. When the hard times are almost over and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
And I hate myself for still hoping for the impossible. I hate myself for everything, for still loving the person that left me in pieces.
I hate myself and I hate loving someone that has already been gone.
But I can never hate you, and I can never stop loving you.
No matter how frustrated I get, or how upset I am, I can never stop loving you.
And that will be the death of me.
You may not know it but you have made it impossible for me to stop loving you.
I don’t know why, I don’t know how, I don’t know when will I stop or if I ever will.
Right this moment, I just need to tell myself this, to accept the one thing that was so hard to accept, that the fact is you no longer love me anymore, and when you look at me, all you see is, nothing and when I look at you, all I see is everything.
I sit here. Accepting that I’ve lost you. Absorbing the feeling of my whole heart crumbling. Mourning the future we have lost. Emptiness is left. You’ve already let me go. Dropped my hand and walked away. But I cannot leave. I am stuck in this place. Knowing my heart cannot leave even if it no longer stands next to your own. I was a liar. I concealed my truth, thinking I could hold onto you if I could say only what I thought was needed. This was not a test. Another love to be used and discarded as a lesson learned. This was a chance. An opportunity to live a whole life. To let go and not be afraid. I didn’t. I screamed and said I was, blamed you for my own lies reflected back at me. Sat stubbornly in my own self righteousness. I am wrong. I have pushed and pulled and you have walked away. I feel joy you heard your voice. You needed to save yourself. From the me I was giving to you. She was not what I promised. I have let her go as well. Of everything. The anger, hurt, pain, self loathing, self destruction, resentment. I have put them in a box and set them down. I cannot to carry them any longer. They have become to heavy, my arms to tired, they leave no room for anything else. To say I can let you go would be a lie. I would be guarding my heart from the intense loss I cannot escape without burying it in the box and keeping it.
I am me. I will be me without you. I am made beautiful and flawed and able. I am strong and kind. I am loved. I am learning to love wholly.
I love you. You are true and open and light. You are imperfect. You are a star that I have been blessed to touch, just barely. I wasn’t careful. I wanted to force you to shine on me. I was harsh. I didn’t ask, I wasn’t patient. I blamed and resented you for showing scars I had myself. I asked for all you were and then shamed you for showing me.
Please forgive me. I sit here typing, realizing the magnitude of what has happened. Trying to put overwhelming feelings into words. Trying to say this wasn’t a layover or stop. This was a destination. I should have got off, put my bags down and made the decision myself. I asked you a question I never gave the answer to. I lied and pushed and hid because I was afraid to go first. I was childish and immature, I saw you were scared and instead of comfort I responded with my own fear.
This thing we felt. That promise we made. The glimpse of freedom we were given.
I will stand at the doorway staring into the light. Not turning away. How dare I turn my back on the universes gift in hopes one day I can ask for another.
I should have said, “I’ll love you until the answer is yes”, “I’ll love you until you feel safe to let go”. I should have never asked you the question, just shown up everyday, heart in hand, saying wherever your at today I am here. I will be staying here.
I am setting my heart at your feet. I am letting go. It is full of the love of all I have learned and been blessed to discover. I am not asking you to pick it up to dust if off. Just feel it. Listen to your own. Maybe it wants to be set down beside my own. If not, I will not need mine back just now. If I ever do I will come and pick it up, leaving you the pieces that I have already given you.